We All Need Somebody to Lean On

It’s true, the title. We do. We may act as if we don’t need anyone, but we do. I crave relationships. Friends, family…I want to be close to them. And I’m not. It’s weird, how dejected I feel. I have Kalen, thankfully, but most of the time I feel so damn alone that I don’t know what to do with myself. I sit up late, alone, and I cry. I marathon watch shows. People marvel at how quickly I get through them, but the truth is they are the only things keeping me sane most of the time.

I see people who are best friends with their siblings and cousins…and I don’t have that. Trying to see them is like pulling teeth. They don’t seem to want anything to do with me. I’m not entirely sure why, but that’s how it feels to me. I feel like I’m watching from the sidelines. I feel like my absence wouldn’t be noticed. I don’t mean this in a suicidal way. I’d never break Kalen’s heart that way. But I’m miserable. I’m unwanted. Or, that’s how I’m feeling.

It’s funny. I remember when my sister got her last job, my Mom said she’d take her to dinner to celebrate. When I had gotten a new job in 2011 (brief though it was), that offer wasn’t made to me. When I started school, nothing. Now that I’ve been accepted into a really good nursing program? They barely acknowledge that. It’s as if my accomplishments don’t matter. I was kicked out of the house. Sister gets to stay. They like her more. They always have. If I didn’t call them, I’d probably never hear from them.

I’m just left out. Everyone is in my cousin’s wedding except me. She said it’s because she wasn’t in mine (except I only had my sister), but she picked out her bridesmaids before my wedding was a thought, so that isn’t it.

I will see my friends all hanging out with each other. I’m never included. It sucks. It hurts. Your family and friends are supposed to be there for you, and I feel more alone than ever.

I guess it’s a good thing that they don’t want me around. It will give me time to study, right?

Fall Semester 2014

Well, the semester is starting! The first day is actually Monday, but let’s face it: My summer has come to end. Womp womp womp.

However, I have 4 online classes (2 are 8 week courses, and tie into each other so it’s more like 3), and then I have 1 nursing class. Because yes, I am in the nursing program! That class is for 8 weeks too, once a week. I had been in Thursday’s section, but today at our clinical orientation, my friend asked the advisor if there were open slots in the Monday section she’s in, and there were, and I switched! So, that is a HUGE plus!!!

I only briefly mentioned it once before, I think, but yes, I was officially offered a slot in the nursing program at the school I’d applied to. I am excited. I had orientation for that, for being a transfer student, and now for hospital clinical rotations. I plan on being involved, because I want to do as well as possible and have as much support as I can get. September 8th is the first meeting of the nursing club, and I plan on going to that. As I said, I want to be involved. This class will be relatively easy, but I plan on participating in study groups as I move further into the program. I’m so happy to be in the final steps of this journey.

Oh, and in other news, I’ve been watching Supernatural like a fiend. Love it!

My Happily Ever After

It never fails. Each night my amazing husband Kalen goes to bed before me. He works, I don’t. He goes to bed early, and sometimes I feel lonely. I’m a night owl by genetics (my Dad was one, and my sister is too). It’s not unheard of for me to go to bed after he’s left for work. I hate it, but try as I might, I cannot get into a normal habit of sleep.

So each night when 10pm rolls around and Kalen got to our bedroom to read before he sleeps, I am left alone (unless I join him, which is rare). It’s hard to be angry though, because this guy is a real life Prince Charming.

No seriously.

He goes to work Monday through Friday (and the first Saturday of each month). He’s salaried so those times he works over, goes in early, or works those Saturdays and goes over 40 hours a week? Yeah, those aren’t time and a half. He loves his job though. He does this and it allows me to be covered by his health insurance (as a diabetic with what is turning into a mysteriously chronic chest pain, this is a necessity). He pays for any doctor visits or medications I might need (this includes two specialists in a row and dental work). He pays my car payment on a brand new car (well, brand new in March, but I’m under 5,000 miles!). He pays for the car insurance on that brand new car. He fills my gas tank. He’s paying my doctor bills from my February hospital stay. He gives me money to go shopping. He washes the laundry. He helps out immensely around the house. Just this weekend we stayed in Racine for the weekend in a suite on the lake, with a view of the lake that included two nights of fireworks being set off on a barge. He took me to two nice restaurants (we’re talking over $100 one night and almost $100 the next for the two of us to eat and drink). He made sure I had snacks for the hotel room.

And now, we’re trying to sock away as much money as possible so we can buy a new house sooner, rather than later. I have 4 years of nursing school ahead of me. That means I won’t be working for 4+ years. So rather than wait, he’s saving as much as he can now to get us a home sooner.

So when I do finally go to bed at night, I look over at him. He’s usually hogging the bed AND the king size comforter. He’s almost always snoring. But I look at him, and I just have this overwhelming sense of love and pride. That’s right, I’m proud of my husband. He’s incredibly smart, he’s generous, he’s hard working, and he’s dedicated. He works full time and goes to school full time.

When I lay down next to him, finally, he reaches for my hand and takes it in his, and I fall asleep holding his hand. Like I said, he’s amazing. I should praise him all the time, but today….I just felt I had to share WHY he’s so dang amazing. ♥

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Social Butterfly

There is nothing better than good times spent with friends. Tonight we went to dinner with Ryan, Brittany, and their hilarious and adorable daughter (who turns 1 tomorrow!). And it was so nice to reconnect, and just have a good time. The only friends we really see often are Shauna and David. Not that we don’t have others, but those are the two we see the most, followed by Misty and Renee (when at Shauna and David’s lol).

I used to always be with friends. At one of our homes, hanging out, or out to eat (or the bar, 21+, but not drinking alcohol really). It was a fun time for me. I like being with people and chatting. It is something that makes me happy. So it’s not especially fun when we’re not with friends or we go a period of time not seeing any.

I’m the more social of the two of us. I think Kalen would be perfectly happy to never have to socialize. Unfortunately for HIM, he married a person who craves socializing, so he has to do it, by default. ;)

Saturday we’ll have Abby’s birthday party and then afterwards we’ll most likely go to see Sammi and possibly Tim, if he’s not working. She’s off all weekend-yay!!! It was so nice to have everyone at my Bachelorette/Bachelor party that my sister surprised us with (that I forgot to mention in the last post), and now I wish Kalen and I had the ability to host everyone and have cookouts, bonfires, and game nights often. Oh how happy I’ll be when that day finally comes!

We’re still playing catch-up on all our TV shows. It’s funny just how many we watch and I didn’t realize it. Or sad, depending on how you look at it. I wish we could cut down, and I know we technically could, but there are just so many that we both enjoy together and on our own. So, it’s hard to cut down on them, when we find them all so interesting. Right now we’re catching up on The Americans together, and I’m catching up on Reign (which had the “orchestra” or band or whatever playing Lorde’s song, whatever the first single was, at a dance….because it was a huge hit around the time of Mary Queen of Scots and all).

Are you like me, and crave socializing, or like Kalen?

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The End of May and the Beginning of Summer

Ah, friends, I’ve been gone far too long! Do I have excuses? You betcha! Wedding, school, and vacation. Are they acceptable? No. I’m not trying to find some crazy blog fame, but I do enjoy the relationship I’ve developed with other bloggers through commenting and interactions, and I’d like to develop those with readers of my blog. My last real entry was in March. How crazy! I did a wedding picture post, but that was it. So, I offer my apologies. I cannot expect this little blog to grow if I’m always absent from it.

On that note, let’s catch up! A lot has happened over here, namely a wedding! I am really thrilled to call Kalen my husband, and I am just so thankful for every single day spent with him. He’s so good to me, and for me. I dated a LOT of losers before him, and now I have the best guy ever, in my eyes. He’s good to my family and friends too, which is hugely important. Past boyfriends were not. They were selfish and treated me like dirt. I’m so glad I have Kalen. Plus, I think he’s pretty sexy. You can disagree, I won’t mind.

The semester ended, thankfully. I was sick through most of it, which landed me a C in one class due to having been sick and missing two of the classes (it met once a week, we had a test each week and did two labs, so I missed two days of all that…yay), but I had A’s (high A’s too!) in my three other classes. I would have had a B in the other class had I not missed. I really enjoyed it though, and if it came to it and I had to retake it, I’d definitely take it with the same professor. She was just the greatest!

The day after Mother’s Day Kalen and I drove straight through to Texas. Fifteen hours of sitting in a car (minus bathroom breaks), driving. The best part? Oh, the 7 hours of a severe storm we had to drive through! Yeah, that was a real thrill. Kalen, bless, drove the entire way because we stupidly got McDonald’s for breakfast. My ailing stomach cannot handle such foods and I was sick. I was actually sick most of the time there. I think a large part was that we ate out a lot. It takes me awhile to recover from such things. Stupid innards. It was fun though. Like I said, we ate out a lot. We went to the Scarborough Renaissance Faire, went shopping, and swam. While we were there, swimming, it was snowing back home (just one day, but still!). It’s so nice down there. But, it got hot at the end and our room was really warm. I told Kalen I’m bringing my floor fan next time LOL.

Now we’re home, and just relaxing. He has work, of course, but neither of us have school. We’ve been catching up on TV shows, and I went through some clothes that I needed to organize. I have far more clothes than I need, so I don’t quite have the room necessary for them. I also need to organize my makeup area (need a bigger area…haha), and go through other things just to purge stuff.

A big thing I’m going to do this summer is make more jewelry! I sold a pair of earrings the other day, and the buyer FINALLY left a review! No one has bothered before (which I think is kind of rude). I want reviews so I can make my shop as best as possible. I can’t do that if no one leaves one lol. I did set up a Facebook page too, so that friends can buy directly from me if they aren’t fans of Etsy. I’d love to be able to have this shop take off and do well. I enjoy making the things.

And now, it’s time to go to dinner with Brittany and Ryan (and Abby!). Summer is off to a good start.

I Did, I Do, & I Always Will

So, I am officially a wife!!! I’ll be honest, it doesn’t feel much different. I mean, we live together, with his Mom. If we had our own place, it might be different. I guess we’ll find out when that day comes!

I wanted to share some pictures though, the few that I have! The photographer took beautiful pictures!

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And quite frankly, so did everyone else!!!

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Fun fact: The cross necklace I’m wearing contains my Gma’s ashes. The ring was the ring my Dad gave to my Mom. So, in a way, they were both there. ♥

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Goodness!

Whew! I’m sorry dear friends, for being QUITE neglectful of this little corner of the blogisphere! I guess the time got away from me.

Today happens to be the two-year anniversary of my dear Gma’s death. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss her desperately. Today also happens to be the day that my Aunt Elsie flew into town for my wedding! We picked her up at the airport this morning (well, her flight landed at 11:45) and then I spent the day over there. I’m so happy she’s here. Like, beyond happy.

Tomorrow is the rehearsal for my wedding. EEP! I cannot believe that the day is almost here, or how dang fast it went by! It seems like just yesterday I was in the hospital, and Kalen was finding out he even got the job. Then we decided to go to the courthouse so I’d be insured. Well, the courthouse turned into a full blown ceremony, and here we are! Everything fell wonderfully into place.

Tomorrow will be spent getting manicures and pedicures, rehearsing, and then having dinner afterwards. And Saturday is when all my dreams come true. ♥

I’ll be sure to share pictures once I have some, and fill you all in on the big day. I’m so stinking excited! To be marrying my best friend, soul mate, and God’s gift to me…I’m so blessed.

 

 

Hard Times & Keeping Our Faith

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Recently, I’ve been reading through the book of Job. Poor Job, who was basically tormented so God could prove he was faithful.

How many of us can say that we’d have remained as faithful as Job in that situation? If our livelihood and families were decimated, would we still remain faithful to the Lord?

I’d like to say that I would, but until I’ve been put in that situation (and I pray I never am!), how can I know for sure? How can I know that I won’t turn my back on my Heavenly Father?

I can’t, because only the Lord knows how faithful I’ll remain, and only he can help me keep my faith.

There are so many verses in Job that are just so…inspirational, and I’m only thirteen chapters in! I’m doing a nice and slow reading plan for the year, which is going at a much happier pace than the ninety-day plan I did two years ago. It’s been incredibly refreshing to read Job. When I was fourteen and my father passed away, it was hard for me to accept that this was God’s will. I had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that he took my father from me, but murderers were still living. It wasn’t easy, but I realized that it wasn’t done to spite me. It was just his time. I don’t know how I’d have turned out if my Dad had lived. I’m almost twenty-nine now, and for the most part, I like how I am. I have areas to work on, but don’t we all? But, if my Dad were here, would I like more areas, or less? Would I be totally different?

So, I thought I’d share a few of the verses that I wrote down in the notebook where I’m keeping track of the verses that “speak to me.” It’s been refreshing, to do that, to read daily, and to write my prayers down daily. If you find you are having problems praying, try journaling your prayers. It’s been wonderful for me.

“He does great things too marvelous to understand. He performs countless miracles.” -Job 5:9

“But consider the joy of those corrected by God! Do not despise the discipline of the Almighty when you sin.” -Job 5:17

“At least I can take comfort in this: Despite the pain, I have no denied the words of the Holy One.” -Job 6:10

“But if you pray to God and seek the favor of the Almighty, and if you are pure and live with integrity, he will surely rise up and restore your happy home.” -Job 8:5-6

“Should I remain silent while you babble on? When you mock God, shouldn’t someone make you ashamed?” -Job 11:3

“If only you would prepare your heart and lift up your hands to him in prayer! Get rid of your sins, and leave all iniquity behind you. Then your face will brighten with innocence. You will be strong and free of fear.” -Job 11:13-15

Are there any verses from Job that inspire you? I have plenty more written down, but I didn’t want to post them all. I hope this was encouraging for some of you.

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Why Worry?

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Worrying is something I’m good at. Call it a skill, if you will. Right now, much of my worry stems from school, such as if I’m doing well, or if I’ll be accepted into the nursing program I applied to, or if nursing is even what God intends for me to do with my life. If it isn’t, I will accept whatever is, but I worry that I’m wasting time on a career path He doesn’t intend me to follow through with.

I also worry about health. Mine, Kalen’s, our family’s health – I worry. I’ve already lost my father to poor health, almost 15 years ago. I worry so much about losing my Mom, or my stepfather Jack, who I consider my father now, considering I’ve known him longer than I knew my own Dad. I worry that something will happen to me at a young age, like it did with my Dad. He was only 41 when he died from a heart attack. His health was certainly lacking. I know I need to get healthy, but even being afraid of an early death, or worrying about what is happening to me, I find it hard to gather the motivation. Luckily, Kalen’s new job has a gym on site that he can use for free, 24/7, and I can join him as well, for free. So, once summer comes I’m going to try to get us to work out there, or at least him (I have an elliptical at home, but he dislikes those). With the wedding and school, it’s honestly hard to find time to get out there.

Another huge source of worry is money. To be fair, unless someone is a billionaire, money is likely a worry. I have to learn to trust in God to take care of me, of us. Right now, we are living rent-free with Kalen’s mother (only because we’re both in school; prior to this we were paying her rent), but we have expenses and bills. Kalen and I both have our fair share, but he’s just added our new cars to his list, and I added medical bills last month thanks to my fun little hospital stay, and of course I have my medicines that I purchase monthly (for the most part). So, we have our fair share of money going out. It’s scary to think that in an instant we could be without a source of income. We’ve both been there. Kalen worked at Borders previously, as a supervisor, and was with them until they closed. I left my job of 6 years to go work at another law firm, and once I caught up the job I’d been hired for, he fired me and never replaced me. Classy guy, that fella! Had those not happened though, neither of us would have begun going back to school, so I’m eternally grateful that we lost our jobs. We’re both far happier now too.

I worry though, that what we’re doing isn’t enough. I worry that I’m not putting in enough of an effort to better my relationship with the Lord. I worry that I’m not doing enough with the church. I worry that I’m not helping people enough.

The worrying constantly is stressful. I eat when I’m stressed, so I gain weight, and then I worry more about my health. It’s a terribly vicious cycle.

But, I’m learning to let go, and let God. I’m being faithful with my prayer journal. I’m writing out my thoughts, worries, and pleas. I’m sticking to my reading plan. I feel lighter, and happier.

I feel less worried.

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Drawing Nearer to God

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Lately, my heart has been telling me I need to spend more time focusing on the Lord. Two years ago, I spent ninety days reading the Bible in its entirety. And then didn’t pick it up again. Admittedly, reading that much in that little amount of time was a big thing. Heck, I was proud of myself for sticking to it, AND for sticking to it while my Gma was sick, and through her death. If I missed a day, I’d make sure to read double the next. As you might imagine, a plan taking that short of time involved long readings daily, so double the reading was quite tedious and long, but well worth it, of course.

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But I slacked off after that. I would read verses through the Bible app on my phone, randomly pick up a devotional book I have, and read verses others have posted. I just never picked up my Bible. There’s something about holding the Bible, isn’t there? Mine is highlighted, in a rainbow of colors (the highlighters are made for Bibles, and honestly I wish I’d stuck with one color for that reading plan, so I could then use a different color for a different plan should a new verse strike my fancy, but it’s too late now), and there’s just something I love about turning the pages.

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I’ve also felt I haven’t been talking with God enough. I try. I’ll talk at night, but I usually end up falling asleep. I’ll talk during the day, but I’ll get distracted with life too easily. I always see various bloggers I follow talking about prayer journals. Journals are something I can get down with, because I love writing, and it’s honestly more like a diary than anything else, when you think about. So, I began a prayer journal. Right now it’s in a red notebook with seventy pages. And I love it so far. I.LOVE.IT. Honestly, I don’t know why I hadn’t done it sooner. It’s so freeing, to write out what I want to say to God. It isn’t just prayer requests, although those are in there, but rather me, talking, and thanking Him for my life. Because my life is pretty dang awesome.

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I started a new reading plan for my Bible (this one is chronological and lasts a year, so no stressing out as I go through it), and I’m writing verses that I enjoy from that day’s reading at the bottom of the page of that day’s prayer page. Not  the entire verse written out, just Gen. 1:1 for example. That way I know what was read that day, and I can go through and see those verses if I wanted to.

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I’m also a verse-highlighting addict. So, I got out a yellow seventy page journal and I’m writing out the verses that I love. This way, they are easier to access, and I won’t have to flip through all the pages of my Bible. The inside cover has John 14:27 written on it, because that is my favorite verse, and was my Confirmation verse as well, making it even more special than it already is.

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Honestly, I’m excited for all of this. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I feel like I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing; what God wants me to do. I’ve also been thinking of making some other changes, and praying about them, and those will be kept secret until I receive an answer regarding them. :)

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These are some verses I wrote down in my Scripture Book that I thought I’d share with this post. They seemed fitting.

Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double minded. -James 4:8

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. -Proverbs 3:5-6

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! -Psalm 27:14

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. -Romans 15:13

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